Am I an open book to God? I like to think that I welcome Him to search me completely and know me fully. But if I am being honest, there are some things I am tempted to hide. Another intensely personal Psalm with which I have history, a friend gave me Psalm 139 to read and consider when I was struggling. You will have to wait until next week to hear my thoughts on holy hatred, today I am reflecting on the first eighteen verses of this magnificent Psalm.
It wasn’t my fault
One of the first really tragic events in my life was the spontaneous abortion of my first pregnancy. Only we called it a miscarriage, because there was a problem with the way my body was carrying my baby. My OB/Gyn was not available when I was miscarrying. The one on-call for the group told me this was nature’s way of taking care of things, as if the baby would be unwanted if something was less than perfect with him or her. But I should be able to carry on, because it wasn’t my fault. She meant it to encourage me as a young healthy woman able to get pregnant again, only it disturbed me as I wrestled with thoughts of wondering if God was taking my baby because I wouldn’t have been able to handle him or her if there was something “wrong”. I grew up with kindness in my household. I became a nurse to show mercy to others. To think my baby had to die because I could not take care of them if they had something wrong exposed me. If this were true, what kind of a monster was I? And just to make sure I realized the depths of my selfishness, nature took care of things a second time, right on the heels of the first. I was devastated by both losses and the idea of the bad person I was. I thought if only I had better character or was stronger God would not have had to take my babies. One move and new doctor later proved my body was indeed rejecting my babies as it was discovered I had a thyroid disorder. Only by this time, I was pregnant with Nicholas. And we were able to control some of the inner agitation so my body welcomed Nicholas into the warmth and comfort of my womb. I had never been so happy to feel nauseous!
I just wanted to run and hide
I know in my head it is ridiculous to try and hide anything from God. He knows every little thing about me. My ESV study Bible says His hand is intended to be gentle and reassuring to draw me close. But sometimes it can feel overwhelming to me. God knows us so personally. It is magnificent to consider but also intense. If such knowledge feels so lofty you sometimes feel the urge to escape, you are not alone. 1
When I suffered those first two losses, I was tormented and my initial response was to try to flee from God. There is absolutely no where I could go to be free of His presence. God intends this truth to be comforting. But since I was trying to hide, it was terrifying.
Sometimes I think darkness will hide me from God. But there is no darkness with God. He is light and that light shines so brightly, darkness is as light to Him. There is nowhere to go to run and hide from Him. May I, like David, come to realize this is a very good thing.
What is Sheol
David contrasts Heaven with Sheol and the wings of the morning with the uttermost parts of the sea to make his point. Sheol has always been confusing to me. This is an Old Testament term that is translated Hades in the New Testament.2 It is my understanding from this word study that this is the intermediate state between death and the eternal state. Christ Himself went there when He died. Then when He was resurrected and conquered death, Hades became the place that the lost wait for judgment and will ultimately be cast into the Lake of Fire. But for the child of God, because of Christ’s victory over death, this place has become paradise for us. At death, the believer is ushered immediately into the Lord’s presence and awaits a different kind of judgment, after which we will reign and rule on New Heaven New Earth with the King of Kings.
Comforted by God’s Presence
There is no more deeper concealment than the womb, and yet I see that God set His special love on my unborn babies from the earliest stages of personal life.1I no longer think my miscarriages were a result of my sin, but God did use the loss in my life to get me to realize I could not run or hide from Him. And when I stopped trying to, I was comforted by His presence. He knew me and loved me. His strong right hand was intended to hold me.
When God formed all of my babies, He laid out the course of their lives and set them apart for distinction. Nothing was hidden as they were intricately woven like an embroidered masterpiece. All the days of their lives were written in His book before there was even one of them. This is a special comfort as I consider the lives of all my children. I never got to see my unborn babies or know them this side of heaven. What used to torment me, I now find comforting as I have assurance of God’s plan and care for them.
My Response
I am learning the right response to the vast extent of God’s thoughts should be a little overwhelming, maybe even feel a little heavy to contemplate at first. God will not leave the work of His own hands to chance. Every time I awake, I am reminded because of the resurrection of Christ, death does not win. I am captivated by how truly awesome it is that God will break through the dark places to meet with me at First Light. He knows me and is ready to meet with me so I can know Him. It is my prayer that others will see I met with Him First. And that as His character shines through, they will place their trust in Him. To God be the Glory!
Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me! 2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. 3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. 4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. 5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. 7 Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? 8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! 9 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 10 even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” 12 even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. 13 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. a] Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you. Psalm 139 ESV
Derek Kidner, Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries, Volume 16, Psalm 73-150: An Introduction and Commentary. London: Intervarsity Press, 1975. ↩︎
Spiros Zodhiates, The Complete Word Study Dictionary, New Testament. Chattanooga: AMG International, 1993. ↩︎
