The world dared to move on without him.

It was around year five, when it hit me that God wanted to use our faith story more than Nicholas’s. This realization was unwelcomed. I had grown accustomed to telling Nicholas’s story, and I wanted him to be remembered. As time went on, it’s not as though people forgot him, but the world dared to move on without him. However, we were still here as living, breathing testimonies of loved ones who had survived a terrible loss. Telling Nicholas’s story was important, but over time, what seemed to have more significance was how God had been faithful to us and would continue to carry us along the journey.

It has taken me a long time to be able to begin to even try to put this into words. I feel like I am somehow forsaking Nicholas’s memory if moving forward, I am open to God using my story more than his. And yet, this is how I feel the Lord leading.

Why was it so important for me to tell Nicholas’s story?

One question I had to answer was why it was so important to tell Nicholas’s story. Sure, I can see how it can be used for God’s Glory to share the Gospel and raise awareness for an orphanage we support. And it is understandable that a mother would want to keep a child’s memory alive through a scholarship in his name. We are even willing to ask tougher questions about unsafe training practices to keep what happened to him from happening to other competitive athletes.

If I look deeper though, I see that I think God made a mistake in taking him. I tell myself it is because Nicholas wanted to use his success to bring glory to God. Why wouldn’t God want to keep a beautiful child like him on this earth to be used to advance His Kingdom? I can even see where I struggle with not trusting God to know what is best for my children, holding on to them with a closed fist instead of an open palm recognizing they are really His.

But deep-down, the real reason it was so important to tell Nicholas’s story instead of telling how the tragedy has affected me is I felt guilty for surviving.

I felt guilty for surviving.

How could I survive this great loss? And not just survive but have times of laughter and happiness. If grief is the price of love, how am I able to get out of bed? Does this mean I do not love my son? These are the questions that have plagued me.

I have known the truth in my head, that God wants me to share with whoever has ears to hear that He did this amazing work in my heart. All the Glory belongs to Him to allow joy and sorrow to coexist until Christ returns. My hope rests in the saving work of His Son that makes a way for me to look forward to eternal life. I have shared these Truths little by little over time.

But then my heart would disconnect from my head at times when I needed it to stay engaged. It would lie to me and tell me if I survive and even thrive after such a great loss, I didn’t really love at all. And to think I didn’t love my son with every fiber of my being may be more painful than losing him.

It has taken all these years to say that. To recognize the hold that lie had on me and to finally release it to my loving Father who is faithful and can be trusted with my deepest hurts.

Moving forward

So, what now? I still struggle. But since I have been able to see it for the lie it is, I can try to move forward. Surviving the loss does not mean I did not love my son. Now I can ask God how He wants to use me surviving this great loss for His Glory. He brings people my way to whom He wants me to minister. As I follow His lead, the lies lose their power. And then I can truly use the suffering for God’s Glory.

You keep him in perfect peace
    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you.
 Trust in the Lord forever,
    for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.
Isaiah 26:3, 4