In addition to the three Practical Ways I fight to live another day from the previous blog, some other things I did proved to be helpful. These are the What Elses. As in what else can I do to learn to live again after loss?
When I chose to be thankful, I opened my heart to let light in. The light exposed the broken pieces, which was painful, but necessary. Then the bands of thankfulness wrapped my broken heart and held it together until the pieces had time to mend and grow stronger.
The pit is the place grief takes me where I feel the most despair. God seems very far from me. There is an overwhelming and paralyzing sense that I am being overcome, that God is allowing me to be sifted by satan. When this would happen, there were some things I started doing that made a difference.
How could I survive this great loss? And not just survive but have times of laughter and happiness. If grief is the price of love, how am I able to get out of bed? Does this mean I do not love my son?
The same power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead is at work in us in the form of the Holy Spirit testifying the Truth to our spirit that this pain, this suffering, is not wasted.
Being content is being satisfied, finding what you have sufficient. I certainly did not find what I had sufficient. I found it woefully lacking. Is God really asking me to be content when a part of my heart is no longer here with me?
What does God’s sufficient grace really mean? God is shedding favor on me? It doesn’t feel like favor. I tried to do everything right. Did I deserve this? I loved God. I obeyed Him and served Him. I knew I was nothing without Him.
My husband and I said early on that we were not going to blame each other. But I still cannot help but wonder if we brought about Nicholas’ death with sin.
If I believe that Heaven is so much more glorious than anything this World has to offer, I will slowly start to believe it was good for God to take my loved one there with Him.
There have been milestones in my grief journey. I have no doubt this will continue. The first year has been the hardest, all the firsts without a part of my heart.
