When you are struggling with deep grief or plagued with chronic suffering of any kind, it is easy to fall prey to the enemy in spiritual battles.
My husband and I said early on that we were not going to blame each other. But I still cannot help but wonder if we brought about Nicholas’ death with sin. Maybe it wasn’t necessarily one particular sin, but ongoing struggles with sin. In other words, is there a 1:1 correlation between sin and death? It is only recently that I even gave voice to this struggle that had been brewing in my heart. Could I dare say this out loud?
Do you remember the sin of King David with Bathsheba? It is one of the biggies in the Bible. He went out on his roof and saw a beautiful woman bathing. He should have turned away, but instead he lingered, and this turned to lust. He is the king. Why shouldn’t he have what he desires? He sent for Bathsheba and committed adultery. She became pregnant and David murdered her husband to cover it up. David then brought Bathsheba into the palace as one of his wives. It’s not until the prophet Nathan confronted him that David is repentant. When confronted with sin, David saw his wickedness. He saw sin as egregious as God sees it. He asked for mercy and God spared his life and the life of Bathsheba. But God took the life of the baby. You can read about this scandal in 2 Samuel 11 and 12 of the Bible.
Why do the innocent suffer?
Why would God take the life of the baby? The baby was innocent. Yet God said he died because of David’s sin. We see how the death of David’s child was part of God’s judgment of David’s sin, but how is it also merciful not only to David, but also the child?
Bathsheba’s husband Uriah was one of David’s mighty warriors. The child from Bathsheba and David’s adulteress union would have been looked on unfavorably at a time in history when the penalty for adultery was death. God took the baby to Himself to live with Him for eternity.
Where was God’s Mercy?
In order to see this as a mercy, I must accept that Heaven is much greater than anything here on earth. Without that wholehearted realization, I would think the child missed out on growing up in the palace with a mom and dad who loved him. I would think his life on earth was better than what heaven had to offer. In reality, what he missed out on was a difficult existence here on earth, and in its place, he lived in Glory. Nothing could be better. David said he would join him in eternity. In this world David would have trials and tribulations but looking at his life through the lens of the Gospel would show him and me, that Jesus Christ has overcome the world. It’s not this life that matters, it’s the next one. Does this not show the grace and mercy of God amidst His judgment of sin?
I asked my pastor, Tom Richter, about my struggle and how I should view sin in regard to the New Covenant. This is what he had to say:
“It is not that the New Covenant dismisses justice. Death was and is the penalty. But the death we deserve was borne by Another. The Old Testament drives us straight to Calvary. You might say there is still very much a 1:1 correlation!
1 -lost world who rejects Yahweh and rebels against His covenant love leads DIRECTLY to the death of the
1 -(only begotten) Son.”
I don’t have to stay in the misery of sin
Did my sin cause my child to die? I won’t be completely assured of the answer this side of Heaven. But there is comfort in knowing that identifying with David is not all bad. Yes, we are both wretches, but our hearts are redeemable. How else could God call David a man after His own heart?
Unless the LORD God of the universe performs heart surgery, I would be stuck in the misery of my sin. But He doesn’t leave me there. He removes my heart of stone and replaces it with a heart of flesh. This transplant occurs while I am still dead in my sin. I’m a helpless, hopeless sinning enemy of God when He calls me out of the dark and into the light. And He puts His Spirit in me to testify Truth to my spirit. So now when I sin, like my brother David, the sin grieves me. David wrote beautiful songs of repentance as he was grieved over his sin. He saw sin how God did.
After God’s own heart
May I always see my sin as God sees it. For only then will He say, like His child David, I am a woman after His own heart.
And so, I can let go of the guilt of sin and all it’s possible consequences that God’s only begotten Son already paid for. It will most likely come up again. But I trust God will be faithful to help me in the struggle to come to the same conclusion.
Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Psalm 51, ESV
