I am a thief. As a child I stole my sister’s pennies. Then I graduated to shoplifting multiple times from a department store. I am still not really sure why I did it. My parents provided me plenty. I gave away most of what I stole as gifts to my mom and sisters. They may be surprised to read this confession. It was usually clothing from a local department store. I said I bought it with my babysitting money. Only after I got home with the stolen goods, I couldn’t really enjoy it. I wasn’t ready to come clean either, so I gave it away. My mom and sisters thought I was being generous. I liked feeling generous, even though it was fake. So I continued to shoplift to get them more stuff, but only after I babysat. I told my mom everything was on sale. I could tell she was starting to become suspicious. I had never really been a good liar. But I tried extra hard to be convincing with this particular deception. Even though there were times I didn’t feel good about it, I was not ready to plead for God’s mercy.
My mom had bought me a pink Izod shirt. That was a big thing in the 80’s and I wanted more. So I stole a red one and a yellow one from this same store. I was in Jr High when most of this thievery was taking place, I don’t recall who was taking me or where they were when I shoved the items inside my jacket. I think my mom probably dropped me off at the mall, but I would not have come alone. In any case, I brought them home and shoved them under my bed. After a few days, I took off the tags, put them in a box, addressed it to me, put the box outside by the mailbox, rang the doorbell, answered the doorbell, brought the box inside, and told my mom my friend from school had sent me this package. And to my surprise there were two new Izod shirts in the box from my friend! What a lovely gift! She knew I wanted these because I had been commenting on how much I wanted a couple of more, since the pink one was my only one. My mom said, “Oh, how nice,” but I could tell she was not really buying it. I started to I had been caught, but it didn’t really go any further. Thankfully, I was starting to see how ridiculous this was getting and I stopped.
I was in Jr Hi, how sinful could I be
God was using a lot of things from 6th to 9th grade to convict and change me. These were probably the most outwardly sinful years of my life. I was an early bloomer, I guess you could say, especially compared to my sisters. Yet, when I compared myself to others who are far worse sinners, I was tempted to think I am not that bad.
On some level this is true. There are those who have piled up much more egregious acts than me. But if I am willing to be an open book before God, I must ask His Spirit to search me and know me and see what grievous sin still lurks in my heart. Without the Holy Spirit, I am capable of horrendous sin, especially if I consider what Jesus taught in Matthew 5:21-28 about the heart of a murderer and adulterer. Even if I have not committed the acts, what is going on in the secret places of my heart and mind?
Sin Confronted, Sin Grieved
As I continue in this series I am calling Cries of Praise from the Psalter, I am reflecting on Psalm 51:1-9. This Psalm was composed by David after the prophet Nathan confronted him of his sins of murder and adultery. When confronted, he sees his sin the way God sees it, and it grieves him on a visceral level.
David is weary of battle, but his men are not. He sends them out with his general but he stays home. Should he have been on the battle field with them? Perhaps, but that is not the grievous sin he is confessing in Psalm 51. Some time has passed since he committed the sin and when Nathan confronted him. Uriah is dead and the child conceived from the adulterous union has already been born. Bathsheba was added to the household with David’s other wives. We see no remorse for these egregious acts until he is confronted. Then he is sorry, so very sorry. He had been in convenient kingly denial up until that point. When Nathan confronted him, it was easy for David to condemn the rich man who had many lambs but took the poor man’s one sacred and special lamb. When Nathan says, “You are the man!”, the reality of what David has done comes crashing down. You can read about it in 2 Samuel 11 and 12.
The Appeal for Forgiveness
I told you about my thieving days, but how many other times in my life have I sinned and tried to cover it up? Psalm 51 unfolds the right response when confronted by my sin. It is one of seven penitential psalms compiled as a hymn to encourage a worshipping congregation to confess their own sins.1
David has no claim on the favor he begs.2 He appeals to God’s character as the basis of his request. God cannot go against His own character. He will be who He is at all times. He will show mercy and steadfast love because He is merciful and He is love. David knows the only way he can be clean again is to be thoroughly and repeatedly laundered and cleansed until his sin is wiped away. Only then will he be fit for God’s presence.2
With his sins staring him down, David could not escape the guilt he heaped on himself as he now recognized just how bad he had been. You may think he would say he sinned against Uriah and Bathsheba and maybe their families as they absorbed and grieved the loss. But no, he says he sinned against God alone and did evil in God’s sight.
Again, God’s character is the basis for David’s willingness to accept God’s verdict. He sees all. There is nowhere to flee from His presence. He is also just, and therefore the ultimate Judge. Because God will be blameless in His judgment, David accepts that whatever God decides about him will be just. God spares David, but takes the child born from the adulterous union.
God’s Sufficient Grace
I have a lot of thoughts on why God would take David and Bathsheba’s baby. I discuss it in chapter four of my book, Courage to Live: Learning to Live Again after Loss. I am telling you this because I struggled greatly when Nicholas died, thinking my sin caused a reaction from God. That God reacted to me, instead of doing His good will as is part of His Sovereign Plan. I studied Psalm 51 thoroughly at that time. Continuing to study these Psalms are helping me grow in my understanding of God’s character. I am still a little fearful of what I may find. But when I search and ask to be searched, I find God’s Grace is sufficient.
Joy Restored
God delights in Truth in our inward being, but David says he was brought forth in a state of iniquity. His mother who conceived him was sinful and so was he. And so are we. Our sinful tendencies can be traced back to the very beginning of our existence, when (not how) we were conceived. Therefore, we have moral accountability. This is the basis of an argument for personhood at the point of conception.1 Derek Kidner says the self-knowledge of the creature David has always been, is the climax of his new perspective that his sins are his own, the very element he lives in, and are inexcusable.2 There is a gulf between what David has confessed and what God desires. David focuses on the inner being and secret heart, knowing God will take delight as He teaches him, and obedience will follow. What David is acknowledging is that when God performs the action, the result will be complete restoration. With God there are no half measures.
Next week, I will finish my reflections of Psalm 51. David does not just want to be restored, he is asking for complete renewal!
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.
51 Have mercy on me,[a] O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. 2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. 4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. 5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. 6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Psalm 51:1-9 ESV
