Grief weight is a thing

I gained 30 pounds after Nicholas died. And it wasn’t because I was gorging myself or even eating for comfort. I just didn’t have the energy or wherewithal to count calories or pay close attention to what I was eating. I ate for survival, which inadvertently included burgers and pizza every weekend. Okay, so maybe by the time I got to the  weekend I was eating what felt good and familiar. Every Monday morning I found myself starting all over. My clothes didn’t fit and I hated buying big clothes. I would tell myself, this is the week it’s going to stick. I am going to eat healthy proteins and fruits and veggies and limit my soda. As you may have guessed, this lasted 4 days and then I was too tired to care when Friday came around. 

I tried different diets that worked somewhat but didn’t feel sustainable. It wasn’t until I awoke from my grief slumber that I was able to consistently consider why I was eating what I was eating and how that could change. 

I awoke from my grief slumber

Just before the 9^th anniversary of Nicholas’ death, days in which I had previously replayed over and over expecting a different outcome that never came, I awoke from my grief slumber. Even though joy and sorrow were coexisting, prior to this, I could not count on constant relief. Then, in what seemed like a sudden supernatural phenomenon, it was if God said, “I have been listening to your cries” and “I have been with you all along” and “I have been using your suffering to complete the work I started in you.” And miraculously, the weightiness of grief was lifted. The terminal dark cloud was not constantly hovering, threatening to unleash its downpour of pain and misery. I could see colors again and laugh without feeling guilty. I could take a deep breath and release it without feeling like I was going to crumple to the ground. The sunrise was not offensive. I woke up in the morning asking God what He had for me that day and actually had the energy to do it. I don’t know how long this will last, but I have been seizing the days. And the days have turned into nearly 17 months. 

How did I successfully lose weight and keep it off?

I chose Noom to help me lose weight because it is a psychology of weight loss that helped me consider why I was eating what I was eating and how I could sustainably change my lifestyle. It was still a lot of work to read and keep a food journal and supplement with exercise. But it felt doable. (Just don’t forget to turn off the auto-renewal of the subscription.)

Looking back, what had prepared me to be successful with Noom was doing The 40-Day Sugar Fast with Wendy Speake, that I started January 2022. I did not lose a single pound during the 40 days. But God was doing a work in my heart to open my eyes to anything I was craving more than Him. Because nothing else could satisfy like Jesus. This was a liberating journey that whet my appetite for all the good things God had for me. 

If you’re keeping track of the timeline, it was August 2022 that I awoke from my grief slumber, 7 months after the start of the Fast. I started Noom in December 2022 and continued it through June 2023. Since then, I have tried to continue what I have learned and have successfully kept the weight off. I have now been hovering right at my pre-grief weight for a few months. I struggle with guilt if I drop below it, as if this means I am letting go of Nicholas. My head and heart are currently battling over this.

I also met with an accountability partner to walk one day a week and report my weight and discuss what I had been eating. I had friends that I walked with in the past, but we would let each other off the hook when we felt like we deserved comfort. This time, I picked someone who already disciplined herself in the areas of diet and exercise. Something she said that has stuck was to pick the one thing I really wanted on holidays and other celebrations and enjoy it instead of everything that was offered. The accountability was definitely an encouragement to continue the journey.

Physical detox meets spiritual transformation

Today I am starting The 40-Day Sugar Fast with Wendy Speake for a second time, where physical detox meets spiritual transformation. And I feel even more energized and motivated to learn how God will change me from the inside out and satisfy me with His desires as He shows me His plan for 2024. You can follow my Facebook page, juliefillinger.com, if you want to join me. We do not have to do this alone.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
    my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Psalm 63:1

For he satisfies the longing soul,
    and the hungry soul he fills with good things.
Psalm 107:9