I would like to be able to tell you, Jesus was my motivation to keep on- that I wanted to do God’s will and seek Him first in all things.
The truth is it was our second born son, Drew.
Eric and I could have possibly talked each other into taking a sedative and falling asleep with the car running and the garage door closed if it were not for Drew.
I know that sounds dark and maybe surprising to some, but thoughts like these occurred more than once. Sometimes my thoughts were more passive like not wearing my seatbelt and not caring if I died in a car accident. It seemed one of us was feeling a little stronger when the other was weak. “What about Drew?” we would say. “You’re right” was the reply.
The first year, I was the weaker one. Mostly because Eric did not get to stay home and grieve. He owns a business and returned to work the following week after Nicholas’ funeral.
Feeling Guarded.
Looking back, living for my children was a struggle long before Nicholas died.
We suffered two miscarriages before Nicholas. By the time we were blessed with his arrival, longing that turned to expectant joy soon left me feeling guarded.
It’s not that I was overprotective, but the losses helped me realize how quickly things could change. I wanted to be the best mother I could. It was my number one job. I would not take anything for granted. I was determined to enjoy my children thoroughly and was thankful to be able to stay at home with them. When it came time for them to go to school, I loved being a part of their success there as well.
I placed an unintended burden on Drew.
A freshman in high school, Drew was only 14 when his brother died. His high school career was punctuated by this tragedy. He could not get away from it. None of us could. And it seemed disrespectful to Nicholas’ memory to try.
So, on the days we did not want to push on, Drew filled our hearts and minds. We had to keep going for him. He was still here. And he had a beautiful life of his own to look forward to.
Living for Drew and not for God has placed an unintended burden on Drew.
God is the only One worthy of our adoration.
God has been dealing with me on this. He calls anything I put before Him idolatry. It was not my intention to live for Drew, but especially the first year, he was my motivation.
Even though He is faithful in His loving kindness and patience towards us, God does not want us to live for anyone but Him. He is the only One worthy of this kind of adoration.
“Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” “Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.” Revelation 4:8, 11 (ESV)
