This is just a bad dream.

There have been milestones in my grief journey. I have no doubt this will continue. The first year has been the hardest, all the firsts without a piece of my heart. I could only grasp a little of the realization at a time. My head knew the truth, but my heart would not allow me to accept it. My heart felt like it was betraying me by letting some truth in. Feeling panicked and wanting to scream in agony like a wild beast, I tried not to let it in. How could I accept this horrific realization that I am going to live the rest of my days without my beloved firstborn? This cannot be happening. I wanted it to be a bad dream that I would wake up from, and it would all be over. But that was not the case.

He’s not coming back.

I would pretend Nicholas went on a trip, and he is coming back. Only he didn’t. He missed the rest of cross country, track, choir tour, the rest of his junior and senior years, prom, graduation, and all of college. And the pain was sharpened with each dream that was not realized. We had so many plans. He would have had academic and athletic scholarships to college. He wanted to train for the Olympics. He wanted to marry his high school sweetheart. Why didn’t we get to see these things happen?

I struggle with anger.

When my soul is struggling, it’s easy for me to be angry at God. After all, He could have done something to save Nicholas here and He didn’t. Nicholas was a great kid. Why didn’t God want to keep him on this Earth? It’s not because God needed another angel, I cannot pray to Nicholas, and he doesn’t come to visit me as a different form of God’s creation. The Truth is, God numbered his days. And the number He gave him when He formed him in my womb is the number he received. On this Earth, that is. When Nicholas’s work on this Earth was complete, His Heavenly Father brought him Home to Heaven.

Considering Jesus.

I cannot stay angry at God for not saving Nicholas’ physical life when He gave His only Son so that my son could have eternal life. God is not asking me to do anything He hasn’t already done Himself. Jesus Christ willingly gave His own sinless life as a perfect sacrifice because the sacrifice of our lives would prove to be insufficient payment for our sins. Contemplating what Jesus did for me and for those I love renders me humble and thankful and longing for Christ’s Return when we can be reunited for all eternity.

When does it get better?

So when does it get better here on this earth? We will address this question in the next blog as part of our search for sustained relief from the misery of grief. Until then, I leave you with this word of Truth.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. 
Hebrews 12:1-3 ESV